Leaning into uncertainty

I had a fantastic conversation with my therapist where I asked her how to deal with anxiety, that uncertain pit in your stomach, the feeling of absolute chaos and dull pain.

It seems that as I get older I’m building up more and more historical examples of things gone awry, and at times a tiny situation can bring a flood of unexpected emotions. The opposite has also been true, where a crazy situation comes up and I’m immediately able to understand that it’s not about me, or that it’s smaller than it looks, or that it can be weathered because the past has shown that I’ve been able to weather such things.

Sometimes the source of my feelings has been valid, based on real concerns and potential pitfalls, but other times it’s irrational, with no true basis for concern. In those latter cases a history of things going poorly often lends to wondering if the current situation will go the same direction.

So, one of the things I’m trying—quite poorly at this point, but we’ll keep working on it—is to put a small process in place when I’m feeling anxious. My therapist called it sitting with your feelings.

I of course have had methods for dealing with this in the past, namely running, talking to someone, sleeping on it, or most often just stewing and stressing for days on end—I don’t recommend that option. So, though I somewhat have a hold on dealing with anxiety, I know there’s got to be more to figure out. Here then are the four steps I’m trying.

First, become aware of the emotion.

Recognize that you’re even having a feeling. Simply becoming aware of that fact can help pull you away from the chaos around you and give you a moment to sit with what’s happening. This step feels so obvious that I was tempted to remove it, but on second thought realized that often I don’t even stop to consider what I’m feeling.

Second, name the emotion that you’re feeling.

This is the time to put away judgement and simply be curious, looking at yourself from a third person perspective and simply labeling what you’re feeling. This is one area where fiction writing has come in handy, I even purchased an emotion thesaurus at one point to help identify more nuanced emotions. Life is more complicated than anger or fear, and finding a word to give the feeling removes some of its power.

Third, get curious about the feeling.

Where do you feel this in your body? Have you felt this before? Are there things in the past that are triggering these feelings today? Perhaps the strong reaction is less about what’s happened in the present moment and more about what that means for the past and future. Spend a little time here, drawing a picture in your mind about why and where and how the feelings exist, and whether the name you’ve given it is fair relative to the situation.

I’ve had times where I heavily reacted to a tiny thing, and spending a moment with why helped me realize my anxiety wasn’t about the tiny thing, but something else entirely.

Fourth, find a way to release the feelings.

Do something in a physical manner to shake off the feelings. It’s time to process them. For me this usually comes from running, cleaning something, or taking time to stretch, listen to music, or simply get up from my current spot and move. Insert your preferred method here, maybe it’s crying, sighing, huffing, or shaking your arms. Whatever it is, lean into the emotion and let it go. This allows you to deal with it in a way that’s going to let you move on instead of suppressing what you’re feeling.

This step is probably the hardest for me.

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So I’m testing this out, and the thing I already love about it is that you’re not focused on pushing feelings deep down. As we found with Inside Out that’s probably not a good idea.

Now, I can already here the stoic voice in your head saying this isn’t for you, that you’re not someone who is just going to become incredibly sensitive, touchy feely, and too emotional to deal with in everyday life. In fact, maybe I’m wondering that for myself. What this allows is a time and space to process and embrace the anxiousness so that we can move forward and tackle life more fully.

One thing that’s interesting is sometimes my anxiety is telling me something my subconcious already knows, but I’m not willing (or even aware) to accept it. Other things I’m betrayed and over reacting to something that deserves far less attention.

As usual I’m recording this for myself and for you; if you’re anything like me. I’ve truly tested this once and found mixed results. Feels like I need to keep trying.