Othering and understanding

It’s easy to think of someone as other, less than, a villain.

In the movies Infinity War and Endgame we see the plight of the Avengers as they attempt to stop a galaxy alterning blow. We agree with them, we want them to win and stop the bad guys. They’re in the right.

But the reason the movies work so well (20+ movies and a decade leading up to them not withstanding) is because we understand the villain’s perspective. Thanos was wrong, but we learn why he made his mad decisions and vaguely understand them. That’s a horrible example, even though a whole section of Reddit attempts to validate the argument.

Captain America: Civil War makes a similiar argument but better. We see why Tony Stark and Captain America disagree, and if you squint you can find yourself understanding both perspectives.

I’ve been in arguments where I originally believed there was only one possible answer, and the people arguining against me were fools for holding such a position. I couldn’t see any world where they were right, and felt baffled at their words.

Now, as I get older, I see a lot more gray.

I still have my beliefs, the things I argue for, and principles I guard. I hold these loosely but often with as great a passion as any argument I’d have made in my childhood. I’m always on the edge, right up against the area of uncertainty, teetering between two varying views. In this space I’ll look for more data, revise my conclusions often, and seek out truth.

Now, at 37 years old I’m feeling quite solid on many beliefs. Decades of evidence and experiments has helped to shape my core views on many topics. But, I’m not really 100% on anything. I’m just looking for data points to get as close as I can to certainty, knowing that I’ve been so wrong before in so many things, and it doesn’t hurt to be open to new evidence.

Often I find myself nodding to the opposition, understanding where they’re coming from, and looking for a bridge to build across the ravine; even if I see less than 1% chance of their being right.

Is it always up to me to build that bridge? No. Absolutely not.

Often I’m too worn out, have nothing left in me, and my energy can be spent in a million better ways. But sometimes I have it in me to take the time to understand, see the opposing views, and piece together the connections that led someone to their position. When I do, when I’m able to sit with that thought, my brain is forced to hold two beliefs in tension. It’s hard, uncomfortable, and feels like a betrayal.

But sometimes it’s worth the effort, worth pursuing the thoughts to see what I’m missing.

I’ve shifted my views substantially throughout adulthood in many areas. I was as earnest before as I am now, while holding to positions that can’t be squared with my original beliefs. Because of those shifts I try to have sympathy for people holding views similar to the ones I used to hold. Often they are well meaning, as earnest as I was (if not more) and trying to make sense of their world. By othering them, viewing them as a villain, and discounting their humanity, I shut down opportunities for connection.

Many times our views are shaped by our desire for community. We want to be loved, want to belong, want to feel like we’re part of something greater. When we find holes in the beliefs held by those around us we have a decision to make. We can leave (sometimes, not always), we can try to reform the group, or we can ignore the holes and double down on believing that there is nothing wrong.

When I see someone saying or doing things that border on the incredible, I try to pause and understand what they’re afraid of, what they could lose by changing their position. When I pause, sometimes just for a moment, I’m able to see their humanity, that they’re simply trying to exist and survive and make sense of their world.

That pause helps me to reshape my view of them, see them as human, and find common cause where possible.

That of course doesn’t mean people are always safe. We can’t always build bridges, it’s not always possible to reach across and connect. But sometimes it is. Several someones reached across to me in my greatest moments of opposition, and I’ll forever be grateful to them.