We grow up hearing that we should just show up. Be present, be eager, be hungry. Make yourself available, and good things will happen. That’s the message we tell young people.

This way of thinking is troublesome. Not because it’s entirely wrong, but because it assumes if you aren’t successful, it’s because you didn’t show up.

I’ve known people who hand out advice like it’s candy (of which I’m just as guilty), letting others know that they just didn’t try hard enough, didn’t have the right mentality; presuming if they had, they’d be just as successful.

The nugget of truth here is that many successful people did show up.

But even in that, there is almost always a story of hidden helping hands boosting them up, supporting them. That part of the story is rarely shared.

I’ve had an amazing career, far better than I could have hoped for. I’ve gotten to work in a field that is ever challenging and pushing me to learn and grow and solve fun problems.

But I’m under no delusions that I got here on my own. I had help. People saw that I was trying (and often failing) with sincerity and offered hands to pull me up. I’ll ever be grateful to them, to their kindness and support in times when I really needed it.

I understand that I tried hard and got rewarded as a result, but other times it was simply because someone saw the humanity in me and wanted to help.

I just said that many who show up get success.

But many others who also showed up don’t see success. In this context, I’m defining success as getting noticed, seeing monetary gains, seeing career progression, being able to build a life of independence for yourself.

The problem, at least from my anecdotal experience and from reading about the world these last few decades, is that when people become successful, they tend to think others didn’t make it because of laziness or their lack of a cheerful disposition.

The truth is far more mixed.

You might have the right energy, the right attitude, show up, be willing to help wherever needed, and never see the success as defined by worldly metrics. On the other hand, some are rewarded, so it’s a self-fulfilling loop.

When I try to mentor others, especially those younger than me, I don’t focus on energy output. I don’t suggest that they burn the candle at both ends.

It’s true there’s an element of being willing to put energy into the task to get something started. But, especially in creative fields, there isn’t a direct connection between time spent and problems solved.

Instead, I suggest focusing on what they’re good at, what they know, doubling down on that, and finding space to think, to rest, to contemplate, to be creative.

You can’t brute force everything; in fact, being rushed just leads to more problems.

When I worked more with my hands, building houses or doing yard work, the lessons still applied.

The others I worked watched me rush back and forth, throwing my energy to every task with speed and haste. They smiled and showed me a better way. They taught me that leverage applied matters more than brute force. They showed me that rest breaks were important for longevity, taking naps mattered, sitting down at the end of the day and relaxing together mattered.

They were in it for the long haul to a purpose, to care for their families and get the things they needed.

The point wasn’t to just exert energy for no reason, but rather toward a goal.

This is a lesson I’ve learned repeatedly over the years.

Instead of throwing energy at a problem, I’ll often pause, think, take a walk, pace; and above all, follow my way to where my subconscious is calling.

My job involves creating things, and in creating, we are merely repeating patterns we’ve seen with remixes.

There is a final element here that can’t be ignored.

Not everyone starts on an equal footing. Some people I’ve tried to help have come from struggling homes lacking the basics of life. Others had loss in their childhood. Still others never truly felt safe because of circumstances outside their control.

These elements change a person.

So when trying to lend a helping hand, I look to see where they’re at and how much help I can offer.

Looking back, I can see the hands offered to me came at different stages. Sometimes a kind person recognized I wasn’t ready for certain advice, but they could share building blocks that would lead to growth in other areas before I’d be ready for the next lesson.

This is another way of saying that just because some people seize on opportunity doesn’t make them inherently better than the ones that ignored it.

Maybe those who ignored it were struggling with deeper hurts and just weren’t ready yet.

I hope I’ll always be empahtic to that and see people for what they are, beautiful, amazing, and human. 

I’m trying to be more thankful as I age, appreciating the blue sky, the sunshine, colorful leaves on the ground, the smile of a friend, the hug of my kids. Each day is a gift, and I hope to lend gifts to help others.