The isolation of men

Inspired by this fantastic post I’ve been thinking about what it means to be a guy in today’s world.

As a teen I was enthralled by the draw of similar media as Joan describes. It was a siren call to the loneliness and isolation I felt as a result of life's circumstances. Though the ecosytem of gurus claiming to have the answers for young men was not as developed, it was there.

That’s not to say my childhood was bad. It wasn’t. I had a loving family who was there for me. But still I found myself not knowing how the world fit together and wanting answers. I felt like I didn’t know where my place would be in the world, and was nervous I’d never find that place.

I found online groups eager to answer my pressing questions, able to give me the tribe and connection I desired as a young man.

If things had gone different I can see myself going down that path. I started to, because it seemed to offer me wholeness, I felt seen. I enjoyed the feeling of presumably knowing something the world didn’t. I had the hidden answers to all life’s mysteries and the secret agendas that ruled the world. They were also, obviously, bent against me.

Then something changed. And I’m forever grateful for this.

I met and interacted with kind people who were there for me. They saw me. They helped me start to figure out my life, to find direction and offered a way to apply my energy toward something that could provide for my needs.

I found a place for my energy.

That’s not to say work is life. It’s not. I’ve written often about the precarious balance many of us face when trying to provide for our needs while also weaving through the threads of life in between.

But still, I found that the things I cared about overlapped with what people were willing to pay me to do. So I started to double down on that. My particular field was design, at least as a broad term.

I started to design for anyone who was interested. Graphic design, web design, print design, marketing design, visual design, and eventually UI/UX and product design.

Along with that I also found community. People who saw me where I was, where I wanted to go, and where I could go. They were patient with me. They listened to my curiosity, offered alternative ways to think about life, and showed me that the hidden agendas of the world weren’t as important as the connections and love we can build with people around us.

Something changed in me and I pulled away from the siren call of the online communities with their secret messages of how the world worked. I found something better.

And so I recognize the paths that a young man can take, and I’m forever grateful that in the fog of uncertainty heping hands reached through and showed me a different way.

It was people who changed me.

As I sit here thinking back to my earlier years the faces overwhelm me. Person after person seeing my potential and investing time to help show kindness and offer care.

There are so many. But just to name a few, Jane was my teacher and saw my potential. Robin believed in me and offfered encouragement, Janelle gave me a chance and offered me my first job. Lynette offered a listening ear and was just there. My mom was a steadying, strong force willing to move mountains to give me opportunity. Melissa offered me a job when I needed it the most.

As I think back on the people who helped I’m struck by a pattern. Though I had peers, though there were helpful men and guys of my own age, one group in particular stepped up when I didn’t even know I needed it. A handful of women, most a generation older than me, saw my potential and invested their time and help to move me forward.

I didn’t pull myself up by my bootstraps. But I did put a ton of time and energy into trying once I knew which direction to go. Each of these women offered little opportunities and friendship, and each time I saw a path open I leaped at it and tried and failed forward.

If there’s a lesson in all this it’s for me to look out for others, to offer a hand where I can, and to try and be the help I received when I needed it the most.

Thank you to the helping ones.