I’ve been thinking a lot about energy output and feedback loops.

For the last few days I’ve been reading The Rational Optimist. It’s an old book at this point, and perhaps it’s been greatly refuted in the time since it’s been published.

With that said, one point I’m loving is the value creation that comes from exchange. I make something and sell it for something else, and in a free market both buyer and seller will benefit. 

Getting feedback from the market on your idea helps to propel you forward wtih excitement, and leads to more innovation and growth. 

Not having that feedback leads to uncertainty and spiraling. 

And yet, even in the best of feedback loops, there’s can still come a sense of too much. 

In recent years I’ve started to develop a twitch in my eyes. This usually happens when I’m not sleeping well, recovering from some sickness, or spending too much time on screens.

There does come a limit, even when feedback loops are firing well, where too much is too much. When I was younger I could keep pushing longer. I even, much to my regret, pulled the occasional all nighter. The end result may have created a small gain of output, but ultimately led to fatigue that required resting. 

So what’s my point in all this? In the last few days I’ve been focusing on far more output than the baseline. That’s fine for a short period of time, and sometimes even worth it. 

However, last night I started to notice a blurring of my vision and a twitch in one of my eyes. That’s the telltale sign that I need to pull back a little bit, not push so hard, take a moment to rest and recover, and most of all find a way to not let the anxiety of the unknown overwhelm. 

When I don’t listen to this, when I keep pushing forward despite the warnings in my body, the inevitable result is always sickness. It’s been a lifelong affliction that a knock-me-out-flat cold is just a day or two away at any given moment. 

Listening to what I need, not pushing too hard all the time, taking time for rest, sleep, exercise, things outside of work; all these things lend toward a way of living that is built more for the longhaul than the short term. 

And so I’m looking to today, tomorrow, and the weeks ahead, and trying to gauge the energy output against the reward I hope to bring. 

It’s a day-to-day issue I struggle with. Some days I succeed and find just the right balance, but often I feel I’ve worn myself down and begin to dread the next day where I must do it all again. 

The surprising, at least to me, part of it all is that I still find joy and energy from the output of energy. I don’t mean that I wish to do nothing. On the contrary, periods of (absolutely essential) rest are often followed by energetic times of excitement and moving forward. 

And so, in this holiday season, I’m hoping to be kinder to myself, helpful toward others, and recognize that each of us have different reasons for why we expend energy and what we hope to gain from it. 

My continued plan for the coming year is to listen to what my body is saying, when it’s freaking out and yelling to pay attention, that I will pause and hear what it’s saying. 

Maybe the twitchyness is a blessing, maybe the blurriness is a good thing. It’s a reminder that we’re just human.