Chasing peace

In what is a bit of a recurring topic, I've been thinking about finding peace in the gaps, in the in-betweens, in the times where you're going from some big happening and waiting for the next big happening.

Looked at from a certain angle, that's all of our lives. Think about that massive accomplishment you reached, and how you felt as a result——and likely how you moved to another immediately after; not stopping to savor, but instead ratcheting up the anxiety to propel forward.

That's been most of my life. Seeing something shaping on the horizon, and moving toward it.

It's not wrong, it's not bad. That way of thinking has a lot of benefit, and can often inspire us to keep moving forward.

In fact, I've been able to accomplish things I'm quite proud of as a result of the planning, the setting of the goal, the working toward it, the manifestation-of-reality (at least in theory) of that zenith I've so desperately sought.

But a life of seeking for that which we don't have misses the point of our being, misses the importance of the 99% of our time spent around and away from those major milestones.

And in that, in those moments, in the rest-of-my-life, I'm seeking peace.

Peace: it's a weird thing to look for, to seek out; especially when it's a thing to be. You can't accomplish it, make it a goal. You just try to find that gap between gratefulness and appreciation for what is, and hoping and longing and striving for what could be.

Apathy, angst, desperation, despair, are all waiting as ditches along the narrow path between thankfulness for what we have and hope for what is to come.

And for me, on the cusp of such moments of unknowing, I'm learning to sit in that messiness, and continue my life; not let it be determined by the outcome of something out of my control. Because, as it so happens, the things that are external can go good or bad, and if the peace we feel is easily swayed by those factors——well we're in for a rough ride.

By attaining that semblance of appreciation for our little path, the good that happens is a bonus, and the bad can't truly affect the core of who we are. In recent times I've had some slightly bad, and slightly good, happen near each other——and I've appreciated how it's moved me less than in past times. I think part of that is because of looking for ways to focus on what's in front of me, while taking the little moments to smile at where I'm currently sitting.

When the good happens, you smile and add it to the list of appreciations. When the bad happens, you adjust; and focus back on the core of the existence you're shaping, adding it as a mere data point along the way.

A funny thing happens when you reach that truce between your selves. Your mind, knowing that you're mostly safe and okay with the state of things——but also knowing that you love to keep poking and chasing ideas——starts to dream, hope, deliberate.

And by following our minds into funny paths of curiosity, we're often delightfully surprised by what we find.

Did I need to spend most of my evening on a weekend 3D printing up mockups for a hardware device that's been lurking in my mind for months——looking for ways to create a particular solution to a problem I'm facing and enjoying every moment of the struggle——no I didn't need to do that. It served no purpose than pursuing creativity, appreciating the possibilities our mind can serve up, and knowing that all the time I've spent in such random pursuits always end up serving a purpose.

Now, that purpose may be some financial upside, some career shift, some ability that helps propel me forward in a way that I care for——but that's not the point. I spent several hours tinkering, playing, appreciating life for its own sake, and not caring that I mostly failed through it. That's just life, that's just a few hours of a life that we have in short supply, and that I'm grateful for spending; as opposed to many previous Sunday evenings spent in dread and anticipation of the start of the week (and I also have an appreciation for the absence of that dread in the last few years, it makes a difference when you work with the right people).

So, here's to peace mixed with curiosity. They're the best ingredients.