Not knowing what to write

The blank page. It can represent uncertainty and fear.

It can also mean possibility and a peak into the unknown.

During high school my brother and I were able to attend a community college, our class credits doubling for high school credits.

Our first class was a condensed summer English 101 type class. This is generally the first line of English classes that everyone needs to take.

My experience was rough. I was on a tight schedule to turn in essays with specific requirements that I’d previously been entirely unaware of; despite a teacher’s best attempts to explain their importance.

When it came time to write my first essay I was nervous. I opened up my word editor, and looked at the blinking cursor. I gave my best attempt at putting thoughts to page, following what I understood of the standard of introduction, three paragraphs, and conclusions.

The essay was bad. My results came back recommending that I drop out and take a lower class. My pride wouldn’t allow it, so I pushed hard and improved over the coming weeks.

Part of the challenge I faced was not knowing how to convey thoughts to page. But another part was not writing about things that interested me. I needed to find a topic that was interesting enough, and somehow squeeze it into the required format.

Of course I was able to have flexibility in my topics, within certain constraints. But it was an unfamiliar format.

Nonetheless I found incredible value in the forcing function the teacher pushed me through. I had to figure out how to write pursuasively on a topic, within a set of constraints, and follow a logical argument.

I appreciate what the class and teacher provided, and looking back I realize that churning out essays week after week removed fear of the unknown, helped me gain comfort writing on topics I didn’t fully understand.

Now, I have the privilege of writing based on what interests me. I keep an extensive list of topics, and when it comes time to type something out, I’m only going to spend time on something that I think will matter. I also have the privilege of building on feedback loops.

Friends reach out and tell me whether a post resonated with them. Sometimes I’ll hear back that the thing I wrote was something they disagreed with, other times I hear that it was exactly what they needed to hear. I value all the feedback.

I don’t have to agree with what I hear back, but I so appreciate that it mattered enough for someone to care.

And so I keep writing.

The biggest shift for me in my writing has been a simple habit I heard from a comedian. When I see something that interests me, or have a thought that sounds like it could be worth writing on, I take a quick note on my todo manager or put it into Apple Notes. That’s it. A single phrase or sentence suggesting that the topic could be worth diving into later.

And then the thought is gone, allowing my brain to move on to other things. I don’t force it. I don’t require that my later self be restricted to adhere to the fleeting idea of the moment. Rather it represents possibility for my writing mind to come to and choose a topic.

Those elements. Comfort with writing from years of churning words. Always capturing interesting ideas to draw upon later. Having the freedom to write on what interests me, and improving based on feedback loops. All these make writing something that is both interesting and makes me want more.

The blank page represents all that could be.